I know that maybe I handled things the wrong way. But you have to understand that all my life I have never lived it the way I wanted. At the age of 16 I met Brandy’s father. By the time I was turning 17 I was pregnant and left own my own to raise my child while he went on to doing whatever he wanted.
I thought I was in love with him, from the way he treated me and made me feel special. He was telling me how beautiful I was I guess that was what kept me full of promises and hope with him that he would marry me and take care of our child to offer us a better life outside of this small town.

Brandy’s father was much older than me and he had the charms and wisdom to talk a young girl out of what he wanted especially one who had grown up in poverty and the hood. I was so young and stupid. I got pregnant and during those days you couldn’t go to school with child.

So I didn’t get to graduate even though I would have been a senior in school when I had Brandy. Times were hard and hell my mother had already told me that she wasn’t going to help me pay for nothing even if I had managed to graduate, not my pictures or cap and gown. So as you can imagine I really caught hell when I had Brandy and had to live with her until I could manage to work and get on my own two feet.

He promised me that we would get married once he settled his divorce with Nancy. He knew I was unhappy being at home with my mama and siblings and he often told me that he wasn’t in love with Nancy any longer and that I was the woman who owned his heart. He made promises of the things that we would do like travel and see the world together. None of that happened. The only traveling I got from him was when he couldn’t get what he wanted from his wife he would travel to me and take me to the hotel.

I finally got tired of Eddies lies; he was never going to leave his wife and kids for me. So when Brandy was 4 years old is when I knew it was time to make some changes, I had been raising her by myself anyways.

The only thing he done for Brandy was bought some pampers once and some play dough to keep her occupied while he thought he would get more pussy outta me. I decided at that point to send him on his way. And he did not once had he bothered over the years to check on her to see how she has grown.

However what would you have expected if all your life you were being told that you would never amount to anything in your life? That you are your father’s daughter? My mother acted as though she hated the fact she bore me into the world. Any problems she encountered it was my fault.

She was the one who chose to stay around and keep-having kids with a man that she knew wasn’t responsible enough to handle a family. He would often tell her that too, they would fight like cats and dogs, make up for a few days and then pop she was pregnant with yet another child of his.

When daddy would get missing on one of his so called “work adventures.?He would come home to mama raising hell about needing some help with the kids and he would tell her she tricked him into marrying her knowing that he was still a child himself and that he had dreams and she ruined them for him.

Daddy paid more attention to me due to me being the eldest child or maybe because I looked more like him. I was a brown complexion compared to the rest of my brothers and sisters who had taken my mothers high yellow tone with the good hair. I was the color of my daddy and had thick nappy hair that had to have a pressing comb run thru it to make it look straight.

I was my daddy in my mama eyes. It didn’t help that one-day daddy kissed me and told me to take care of myself I didn’t realize that he wasn’t coming back. He left when I was 11 years old. Poppa was a rolling stone. He bounced and never came back to us.

That really made matters worse for me once mama realized that he wasn’t coming back this time he had finally did what he promised and that was he was leaving. It seemed she took the hurt, pain and anger out on none other than me. I couldn’t do anything but grin and bear it and swearing that I would never treat my children the way I was treated. And for the most part I stuck to that rule until recently.

I tried to keep my child and myself up in the projects up as best as possible. I didn’t go out much or hang in the streets chasing down another man to take care of me. I did it all by myself. Sure I wanted to go out and party, date different men but I had a child. I tried to befriend other females in the projects that was struggling like me but because I chose to work and provide for mines on my own they viewed me as stuck up. So I stayed pretty much to myself. Besides all that who was going to watch her for me to have a little bit of fun?

It certainly was not my mother. Oh Hell no she wouldn’t baby sit for me for an hour unless I had some money to put into her hands. Everything revolved around what I could do for her in terms of loot, but my sisters could do what they wanted and she would never complain one bit. She would often go and get their children to spend time with them but no my Brandy.

Christmas time was the worse, she would make it a point to invite us all over to share presents and dinner, I remember she would get my nieces and nephews brand new toys and clothes from Sears and Sellers the expensive stores, yet when she gave Brandy presents it was always second hand from the Goodwill stores. My baby would take those toys and play with them as if brand new and never utter a word about the obvious differences she would make towards her.

“Now why Lois are you making that difference now with a man and your child??I was asking myself at work tonight.

I guess all those years of being alone and raising my daughter by myself I guess it made me feel like I had done my part and now it was time for me to start regaining some of my life back. To get my partying and freaking days on now that she was grown and could now take care of herself.

Bruce and I met when I went by his little convient store and I was low on funds but I had to feed my child. So he would extend me credit. Now make no mistakes about it when I got paid I made she he was the first to get his money. I didn’t mind being broke as long as my baby had what she needed.

I knew Bruce would throw in extra stuff for me, I guess he felt sorry for me I don’t know. I had to admit that his is a good looking man and seemed to have something going on for him and a good heart.

Well one thing led to another and we began to talk and I found we had lots of things in common. Time passed and he tried to date me for a while and I would ignore him on that level because I had been by myself for so long in fear that some man would think that if he got with me he could get with my daughter too and I wasn’t going to have that.

We finally got past that hurdle as Bruce explained that he understands and how he wanted to settle down with a good woman like myself. To make a long story short, we ended up getting together and things are good. He helps pays my bills, gives me money even without me asking for it to buy me nice things and offered with Brandy’s schooling.

I can’t let that blessing just pass me by hell I deserve it. I’m not getting any younger and besides I have needs to. The man is wonderful in the bedroom and I guess that’s what has clouded my judgment. When you have been without some good sex it don’t take much to get you plumb stir crazy.

So when I saw him licking down there on Brandy I guess I lost it and just didn’t want to accept loosing my good man for my child who is capable of making the right decisions. I wished she had opened up to me in the beginning. Maybe she did but I didn’t want to hear it.

Now I have to question if I made the right decision. I just hope that Bruce doesn’t let me down.

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